My dear, sweet Lillian,
You. Drive. Me. Crazy. Every day. At 3 and a half you are really coming into some serious attitude and a fierce independence streak. You get overly excited while playing with Miles and don’t realize how much stronger you are then him. I find you doing things like playing in the toilet water that hasn’t yet been flushed or rummaging through the very expensive container or baby formula. No matter how much time we spend at the park I have to carry you kicking and screaming to the car when it is time to go home.
So many times I find myself thinking “How am I ever going to manage this girl?” But the thing I find myself thinking even more than that is “I can’t believe how sweet and wonderful this little child is.” How grateful I am for your precious, precious spirit in my life. You constantly amaze me with your kindness and love. Every morning I am greeted with the sweetest “Mommy!! I missed you! How are you?” at my bedside. Whenever you tell me that you love me you tip your head to the side and stare at me with so much love I want to burst. At the most random times you’ll tell me that I’m pretty and that you love my hair/face/outfit, usually when I need to hear that the most. You always want to show me things and have me watch you be silly or dance. You are almost as aware as me of your brother’s emotions. When he cries you either make sure I know or you start singing a made up little song to him and sweetly tell him not to cry. Sometimes if Miles wakes up in the night and I am too passed out to hear him you’ll come into my room and make sure I know that “Miles needs help, mommy.” You even gave him a bite of your Oreo the other day when you knew it was the last one. You are almost always willing to get things for me when I ask you to and love to help out when you can. When I do things as simple as putting away the dishes you always make sure to tell me “Good job!! with a big thumbs up and a smile. Your kindness and generosity are endless.
How I desperately want you to know that I love you. That no matter what you do I will always love you. There are so many things I want for you and so much I am already dreading for you to experience. I wish I could do the hard things for you. That I could shield you from pain. I hope I can somehow get you to understand how special you are and how perfect you are. You hopefully have a long life ahead of you and at some point hard things will come. Your feelings will get hurt and your dreams won’t always come true. I just hope I can always bring you comfort and a safe place to return to. I hope I can instill in you the strength that you will need to face the world. I hope that I never do or say anything that will break your spirit or make you doubt yourself.
I am not perfect. I’m far from it. I lose my temper and I get frustrated. Even so, I am always keenly aware of just how lucky I am to be your mother. How lucky I am to get to care for you and help protect and guide you and love you in this life. You will never know just how special you are to me. I cherish every hug and touch from you because I know that someday in the not to distant future you won’t want to be my shadow any more. I won’t be the center of your world and I won’t get to spend every waking hour with you. It breaks my heart already to think about it. I wish I could capture the feeling of your tight embrace and your little arms around my neck. That, to me, is the most precious, most wonderful part of being your mother. I never knew that I could have so much love for such a tiny person. That I would ever be willing to put my needs aside so many times in a day so you can have what you want.
I don’t ever think I’ll be able to tell you enough how very much I love you. Being your mother is the most important thing I could ever do and I am so grateful I get this opportunity. You are amazing. You are perfect. Please don’t ever forget that.
